There Is No Tomorrow – An explanation of my absence

For you to understand the mindset I am currently in, you have to turn off your optimism.

All of it.

Don’t even think along the lines of ‘Maybe tomorrow will be alright’, or ‘Tomorrow will be better’.  For me, there is no Tomorrow.  Tomorrow is that dream I am unable to dream.  Insomnia, like a thief, steals my dreams from me, and Today bleeds into Tomorrow seamlessly.  The transition goes unnoticed, and when it is noticed, it is rarely welcome.

I warn you, while the following is going to be damn depressing, it’s all going to be True.  I feel no need to exaggerate.  You’ll understand why by the end of this.

-Scarab

Let’s start off with the beginning…

The Beginning came at the End of the trip to California.  Or rather, that’s where the downward spiral began.  While in California, alot of shit went badly, and alot of it was my fault.  I take full responsibility every decision I made out there.  While the trouble truly began at a very generous Michelle’s home, it only went down hill from there.  While I refuse to take any side in anyone’s relationship problems, there were times when I and Jack were forced into the situation, which made for awkward moments, and possible resentment from different parties involved.  I will not go into detail here for it’s not my business to explain.  If you know, then you know, if not, you’ve heard enough.

From Michelle’s we went to Moneke’s home in Lake Elsinore, California.  “Welcome to Dirt.” was the first thing she said to us.  She wasn’t lying.  It’s a big sand box, but it was amazing.  You can read more on that in previous posts that I’ve put on up Twitter Travels.  Regardless, Moneke treated us as family and there was never a moment that, as far as I know, we over stepped our boundaries there.  I consider Moneke a sister.  One that I never had and one that I hope to have at my back should I ever get into a fight.  I’m pretty sure she can scrap with the best of them.  ( 🙂  Miss you sis. )  When we decided to leave Lake Elsinore, it was a sad day for us, but having no money nor income, we couldn’t justify doing so.

After leaving the beautiful mountains of Lake Elsinore behind us, we headed up to L.A. where Ophelia Chong offered us her home for a time, and like Moneke, treated us like family.  Both Jack and I are still amazed and grateful for this.  Through Ophelia, we met Shannon Kelly, whom I still don’t know very much about, but I do speak to through email on occasion.  Shannon was going to Mexico for a few months and needed someone to watch his home while he was away.  A deal was arranged where we would pay $600 a month to care take his home, and we would have access to the city lines, etc.  If, after two weeks, neither of us had jobs, it was understood that we should hit the road and pay what we owed.  Check.  Upon everything being settled, Ophelia once again took a mother’s approach and bought over $50 dollars worth of food for us, even after shelling out a further $50 or so for the medication I had been prescribed by the hospital for my infected abscess tooth.  Ophelia, if you’re reading this, Thank you.

The apartment was great.  I’m sure you can still see photos of it on Jack’s Flickr or on Twitter Travels itself.  As the first week progressed, Jack and I spoke alot about our situation.  We understood we both needed work, and that if we couldn’t swing it, we needed to wing it.  The first week was spent settling in and trying to scope out the local neighborhood for any job possibilities.  As the second week neared and still no job, we began to get worried.  Now, while I did at one point have a wireless card for my laptop, it stopped working suddenly and I was left with only being able to use a network cable for a while.  (Vix aka TheVixy on Twitter) kindly sent Jack and I one to use, but much to my surprise, EVERY single one of the signals I could get were locked.  It was like everyone in that building was a computer science major at some point.  Really sad honestly.

So juggling having to use the dial up which wouldn’t work if Shannon hadn’t checked his voice mails, and having to walk down to the library for a 15 minute bit of time on their computers, we tried to move on with things and get back in the swing of it all.  Searching for work, networking, etc.  As the end of the second week drew nearer, I found a stash of quarters, twenty or so bucks worth, that I’m guessing Shannon used for laundry.  My first big mistake.  I should never have looked around in the fist place.  While it’s a valid excuse for me to say, ‘Hey I’m living in your house, it’s sorta expected of me to look around a bit’, it’s just that, an excuse.  With the money drying up, no job in sight, and donations at a standstill due to our inactivity, I suggested we use the quarters for bus fair, food, etc, and we would pay him back immediately.  Another big mistake.  This money was never mine to volunteer as such, and for this I am very sorry.

We used this twenty or so dollars like one would use sulfuric acid for removing hair.  Very carefully, and very well watched.  Lots of cheap ramen from the amazing asian market just next door, and as much cheap stuff we could spare in between the already fucked up prices for the day passes on the Buses.  In total, Jack and I rode about 17 or 18 miles in all, and spent $20 alone, some from the quarters I had, let’s face it, stolen, and some from the money Jack’s dad had sent to help us out.

To pause in this for a moment I’m going to add a few things here.

When we first started out towards L.A. we had been told that we would be helped to get a job.  While I’m tired at the moment, and feeling rather bad due to some tooth issues, I really do not believe this was ever initiated.  While, yes, it could be memory loss, I truly don’t think it ever happened.  Moving on, before we even got to California, we were promised several things, such as transportation, jobs, etc.  None of it was delivered, and what was, was a bit on the sad side.  Much, in my opinion, in the same flavor of the work we were delivering to the very crowd we were serving online.  (That would be all of you that donated, etc.)  Had we had a car, Jack and I would have been able to make that $20 for day passes stretch into far more than just 17 or 18 miles.  To the City of L.A., You’re being ROBBED.  Anyway…

We failed you.  Plain and simple.  It is my true belief that I did not do as needed, promised, or asked for, and for that I have beaten myself up for it day after day since my return.  I know I owe alot to alot of you, and all I ask, is for a bit of time.  You’ll soon know my situation completely so that I might at least have the piece of mind in knowing that you’re not just thinking I skipped the entire picture without so much as a thank you.

Returning to the vein of discussion, the Two Weeks was about over.  Jack and I were pretty sick of failure, we were in horrible spirits, and we had fucked up three ways to Sunday in Shannon’s house, and weren’t too keen on continuing to do so.  Mark, our PR guy who had and has helped us out with countless hours on website work, PR stuff, and probably alot more that I never saw, or didn’t understand was being done for us, invited us to live with him for as long as we needed at his apartment, when he was already scraping change and trying his best to get back on his own feet again.  A great guy who works too hard.  Trust me, you would like him, just don’t let him get started on a business tangent when you’re tired.  It’s like a snowball rolling down a never ending mountain of snow.  It just gets bigger and gains more momentum.  🙂  But that’s what you need in that business.

At any rate, The Vixy, as mentioned earlier, came to our help again when she offered to have her boyfriend and herself take us to Mark’s.  We cleaned up Shannon’s apartment and put everything the way it was supposed to be again, except for a sugar bowl Jack broke, but we had forgotten about that.  (Shannon later informed me that while it had been in his family for a while, he was able to replace the lid for $1.  So that was a relief.)  In a flurry of action and tapioca brain moment, we left, forgetting one major thing.  We hadn’t contacted Ophelia about this.  Everything was falling into place so quickly and with such finality that we really hadn’t even considered it a bad thing at the time.  We had had the two week understanding and it’d been two weeks.  We were going to contact her, but at the time, neither of us were thinking very clearly.  Another big fucking mistake.

The wrath at which Ophelia returned our disrespect was something that any Chinese warlord of previous times would have been proud of.  And that’s putting it lightly.  We deserved most of that wrath.  There were a few things that we had no control over, and with Michelle attacking us as well, there seemed no real escape.  Damage control started to take place and Jack and I smoothed things out as best we could at the time.  We still owe people money, and we are still going to pay them back.  But I digress.

When the end of the journey came up, Jack and I both saw it; I with a bit more trepidation than Jack, because in my case, I knew I was going back to being homeless.  Before I had left, I had lost my home, and being on the road had become my only place of residence.  So I was more than a little depressed about the horrible turn of events that had only just begun.

Getting back to Tennessee, I began my looking for another place to live and found it in another friend.  A good friend of both Jack and I, Tim allowed me to stay in his home.  My situation grew worse as I lost more than a bit of my mind and basically fucked things up for myself with every step.  I grew lazy, depressed, and more than a little suicidal.

Finally being able to take no more and not being able to stay away from my mate, I decided I needed to go to Georgia.  I borrowed $40 from a brother and headed South.  Prior to my leaving, I had set up a place to live.  I was assured multiple times that I would have a place to stay long enough to find a job.  This turned out not to be the case…  When I arrived there, I was told to ‘go ahead and head over’ and that ‘she was expecting me’.  This was a flat out lie.  The person had not been informed and in fact, hadn’t even known I was even coming down.  Knew nothing of what I had been talking to the person about for the past two weeks.  Needless to say, I was more than a bit on the bad side of things when I found I would have to sleep out in the woods until something happened.

So for the next two weeks, I slept in the woods in an empty suburban neighborhood that had yet to be developed.  It was hot, it was boring, and there was nothing at all close enough for me to get a job at.  My situation in my mind grew worse, and my relationship with my mate became stressed.  Yet another friend came to my rescue and offered to let me stay with her til I was able to get back on my feet again, the very one I am staying with now.  I would have to find a way to $45 dollars for a six hour bus ride up to Clarksville, Tennessee.  About five minutes from Kentucky and thirty or so from Nashville.  I made it up to Clarksville with just one bag.  Everything I owned, in that bag.

Calling them up that morning, I had found out that my friend hadn’t let her mom know that I was coming.  -Sighs-  By this point, you can imagine my depression levels.  I even was able to go to a dentist to get the roots of that tooth I had pulled removed.  Everything was smoothed out and things were going well, for a week or so…

I had been looking for work pretty constantly and upon returning one afternoon from the Career center, I was stunned to find three fire trucks, several police cars, and the house I had been living in, on fire.  Or rather, at the end of the fire.  Starting off on this, no one was hurt, so no worries there.  The fire, started by some unknown person, had destroyed everything on the top floor, where everything I owned was, and what the fire hadn’t gotten, the water damage from the water hoses had.  So I was back to square one once more.  From the old house, we moved into a hotel for several days, where I doubled and tripled my efforts to find work.  I constantly received ‘No, we’re not looking’, or ‘You’re not what we’re currently seeking’ or any other thing you can think of to politely tell people to fuck off.

From the hotel we moved into a rental, where we are now.  For the past several weeks, I’ve been looking, non-stop, for any job whatsoever, and every place I’ve been to has rejected me, multiple times.  I don’t know if it’s me, my work history, or what, but I’m getting sick of living this life…  I honestly feel like I’m dying and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.  Quite recently, another tooth decided it was time to shatter, and so now, I have an exposed nerve that throw me for a loop anytime I talk, eat, breathe, smoke, drink, etc.  I’m in constant pain once more.

And now… I’ve been here for more than a month.  And still no job.  Their patience is wearing thin on me, and I am beginning to feel as if I’m over stepping my welcome EVERYWHERE.

I have nowhere to go if I can’t get a job here.  I can’t stress this enough.  I’ve run out of options.

There is no Tomorrow…

So there you have it… You’re up to date on the whole mess.  I don’t think it will change anything, in fact, chances are, it’ll make things worse, but at least you know now.  These are the reasons I have been gone from the Internet, Twitter Travels, Twitter, The Entropy Report, etc.  I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces from my life and put them back together again as best I can, as everything else in my life comes crashing down around me.

Here’s hoping this has made your day seem a little better.

Regards,

Scarab

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~ by binarycheshire on November 24, 2008.

5 Responses to “There Is No Tomorrow – An explanation of my absence”

  1. I won’t offer optimism.
    I will offer a (virtual) hug.
    xo

  2. I’ll take it. 🙂 Thanks Dev.

  3. drake, i’m just now getting around to reading this posts on TER, but you pretty much fucking nailed it with this post. As for the California experience, I stand behind all you have said, except that you were solely to blame. I played my part, there were mistakes we made together. But that’s a story for another time. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to detail the trip as you have done, but if I do, it will be years from now. I have to look through rose colored glass at much of what has happened this year.

    Also: You are a bitch, and we got dicks like Jesus.

    Lovingly,
    Jack

  4. Hey bro I miss you very much too. I read this entry and it hurts me to see you suffer so much. Not just without being able to find a job but emotionally and physically. I have never been able to offer much but my love and support! At times like these I guess those things are not what you need. So hit me up with a bank account # I’ll see what I can do!

    Love your sis, MoNeke

  5. No worries sis. You know me. A survivor till the bitter end. lol

    I’m doing better. Still in the depths of hell sorta, but getting ever so slowly better.

    And as far as what you can offer, I don’t want anything other than your love and occasionally a message to let me know the family is okay. 🙂 I couldn’t accept your money knowing how hard that stuff is to make. lol As it is, I still feel that I owe YOU. lol

    I’ll send a longer email to you in a few.

    Lurve and such things,
    Scarab

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